Introduction
As a divorce lawyer with more than 30 years of experience in South Africa, I found listening to James Sexton’s discussions on The Diary of a CEO and Lex Fridman’s podcasts to be a fascinating and thought-provoking experience. Sexton, recognised as one of America’s top divorce lawyers, shares his unique insights and expertise on navigating the intricacies of love, marriage, and divorce. His perspectives deeply resonated with me, as I have witnessed firsthand the challenges and complexities couples face in my own practice.
Sexton’s appearances on these popular podcasts provide a platform for him to delve into the psychological and emotional aspects of relationships, offering a fresh and honest look at the realities of modern love. His ability to tackle difficult topics with both compassion and pragmatism is truly commendable. As I listened to his words, I could not help but draw parallels between the experiences of couples in the United States and those I have encountered in South Africa.
I want to express my appreciation for The Diary of a CEO and Lex Fridman for featuring James Sexton on their shows. These podcasts have done an excellent job of bringing Sexton’s wealth of knowledge and experience to a wider audience, allowing listeners to gain valuable insights into the world of relationships and divorce.
In this blog post, I will explore key aspects of Sexton’s discussions, highlighting the most impactful and some thought-provoking points he raises. By sharing my own experiences and observations alongside Sexton’s insights, I hope to provide readers with a comprehensive understanding of the challenges couples face and the strategies they can employ to build stronger, more resilient relationships.
The Illusion of the Perfect Soulmate: Sexton’s Take on Romantic Expectations
James Sexton tackles the pervasive myth of the perfect soulmate, a notion that has led countless couples astray. As a divorce lawyer I could not agree more with Sexton’s perspective. The idea that there exists a perfect person who will fulfil all our needs, desires, and expectations is not only unrealistic but also potentially damaging to relationships.
Sexton argues that the soulmate myth sets an impossibly high standard for relationships, one that no human being can realistically meet. When couples buy into this illusion, they often find themselves disillusioned and disappointed when their partner inevitably falls short of their idealised expectations. This disillusionment can lead to feelings of resentment, bitterness, and even contempt, slowly eroding the foundation of the relationship.
In my practice, I have seen countless couples grapple with the consequences of the soulmate myth. They enter relationships with the belief that their partner will intuitively understand their every need and desire, only to find that real love requires effort, communication, and compromise. When the honeymoon phase inevitably ends, and the realities of day-to-day life set in, these couples often struggle to adapt, having never developed the skills necessary to navigate the challenges of a long-term relationship.
Sexton’s insights into the soulmate myth are particularly moving when he discusses the role of social media in perpetuating this illusion. In a world where curated images of perfect relationships dominate our feeds, it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing our own relationships to these idealised representations. As Sexton points out, these images rarely reflect the full reality of a relationship, with its ups and downs, struggles and triumphs.
In my experience, the couples who thrive are those who understand that love is not a fairy tale but a choice they make every day. They recognise that their partner is a flawed, complex human being, just like themselves, and they choose to love and accept them as they are. These couples understand that a strong relationship requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to grow and change together.
Sexton’s advice for couples is to let go of the soulmate myth and embrace the reality of their relationship. By setting realistic expectations and focusing on the unique strengths and challenges of their partnership, couples can build a love that is grounded in reality, not fantasy. This means accepting that conflicts and disagreements are a normal part of any relationship and developing the skills necessary to navigate these challenges with grace and understanding.
I have seen the devastating consequences of the soulmate myth firsthand. Couples who enter relationships with unrealistic expectations often find themselves disillusioned and unhappy, leading to a breakdown in communication and, ultimately, the dissolution of the marriage. By contrast, couples who embrace the reality of their relationship, with all its imperfections and challenges, are more likely to weather the storms of life together.
Sexton’s insights into the illusion of the perfect soulmate are both timely and essential. By shedding light on this pervasive myth, he encourages couples to approach their relationships with realistic expectations, open communication, and a willingness to grow and change together. I wholeheartedly agree with Sexton’s perspective and encourage anyone entering or currently in a relationship to take his words to heart. By letting go of the soulmate myth and embracing the reality of love, couples can build strong, resilient partnerships that stand the test of time.
Fidelity: Tackling the Taboo Topics
Sexton, in his discussions on the podcasts, fearlessly delves into one of the most taboo topics in relationships: infidelity. As a divorce lawyer, I have witnessed the devastating impact of infidelity on countless marriages. Sexton’s insights into this sensitive subject are not only enlightening but also essential for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of modern relationships.
Sexton begins by acknowledging that infidelity is a common issue in marriages, stating, “Sex is huge. It’s well, I mean, first of all, it better be. Because what’s the difference between a spouse and a roommate otherwise?” He argues that sexual intimacy is a defining characteristic of a romantic relationship and that when this connection is lost or betrayed, it can have a profound impact on the marriage.
One of the most interesting aspects of Sexton’s discussion on infidelity is his exploration of the different types of cheating. He identifies five distinct categories: the soulmate affair, the push out of the closet affair, the “I can’t say no” affair, the “I need variety” affair, and the intimacy avoidance affair. By breaking down infidelity into these specific types, Sexton helps couples understand the underlying motivations and issues that may lead to cheating.
Sexton also tackles the question of whether it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity. He acknowledges that it is a difficult and painful process but argues that it is possible if both partners are willing to put in the work. “The saddest type of infidelity, in my opinion, is the mistake,” he says. “Which is someone just making a mistake. People do the dumbest shit when it comes to sex.”
In my experience, couples who are able to recover from infidelity are those who are willing to have honest, vulnerable conversations about what led to the betrayal and what needs to change moving forward. This requires a great deal of courage, empathy, and patience from both partners.
Sexton also touches on the role of technology in facilitating infidelity, stating, “If we were going to invent an infidelity generating machine, it would be called Facebook.” He argues that social media platforms make it easier than ever for people to connect with old flames or develop new romantic interests outside of their primary relationship. I have seen countless cases where social media played a significant role in the breakdown of a marriage.
Finally, Sexton emphasises the importance of communication and transparency in preventing infidelity. He encourages couples to have open, honest conversations about their needs, desires, and boundaries in the relationship. “Love is not that you never let this person down,” he says. “It’s that you never want to let this person down.
Communication Breakdown: How Couples Fail to Address Issues
Sexton highlights the critical role of communication in maintaining healthy relationships. I could not agree more with his insights. In my three decades of experience, I have witnessed countless marriages crumble due to a breakdown in communication.
Sexton emphasises that the key to a successful relationship lies in the ability to express one’s needs and desires effectively. He states, “I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know how to express it. And I think if you can figure that out, if you can figure out what you want and figure out how to express it, that’s like 99% of the battle.”
However, as Sexton points out, many couples struggle with this fundamental aspect of communication. They often fail to address issues as they arise, letting minor grievances fester until they become insurmountable problems. “People wait until the big thing happens,” Sexton explains. “The financial impropriety, the substance use disorder, the cheating. They wait for that to happen, and then they go, ‘Where did we go wrong?’ And the answer is quite a while ago.”
In my practice, I have seen this pattern play out time and time again. Couples who are unable to communicate effectively often find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle of resentment and misunderstanding. They may avoid difficult conversations out of fear or discomfort, only to have those unresolved issues resurface in explosive arguments down the line.
However, this level of vulnerability can be challenging for many couples. In a society that often prioritises self-sufficiency and emotional stoicism, admitting one’s weaknesses or needs can feel like a daunting task. As a result, many couples resort to passive-aggressive behaviour, sarcasm, or outright avoidance when it comes to addressing difficult topics.
Sexton’s advice for couples struggling with communication is to start small. He encourages partners to practice expressing their needs and desires in low-stakes situations, such as discussing weekend plans or household chores. By building up their communication skills in these everyday moments, couples can develop the confidence and resilience needed to tackle more significant issues when they arise.
Another critical aspect of effective communication that Sexton highlights is active listening. He stresses the importance of truly hearing and understanding one’s partner, rather than simply waiting for one’s turn to speak. “Don’t attribute to strategy that which could be attributed to stupidity or laziness,” he quips, emphasising the need for patience and empathy in communication.
I have seen the devastating consequences of poor communication in relationships. Couples who are unable to express their needs and desires openly and honestly often find themselves drifting apart, harbouring resentment and bitterness that can ultimately lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
On the other hand, I have also witnessed the incredible resilience and strength of couples who prioritise communication in their relationship. These partners understand that conflict is an inevitable part of any long-term partnership, but they approach disagreements with a spirit of curiosity, empathy, and a willingness to find common ground.
The Impermanence of Love: Sexton’s Reflections on His Dog Pablo
In his conversation Sexton touches on a profound and touching analogy about the impermanence of love, drawing from his experiences with his aging dog, Pablo. Sexton’s insights into the fleeting nature of love and connection are both heartbreaking and illuminating.
Sexton reflects on the fact that Pablo, once a lively and energetic puppy, is now in the last season of his life. He notes that this realisation has made him want to cherish every moment with his beloved companion, saying, “It just makes you want to play with them more and cherish those moments more and be kinder and give them another treat.”
This reflection leads Sexton to a broader contemplation on the nature of love and loss. He observes that in relationships, we are “always losing everyone all the time,” and that to love anything is, in some sense, insane, because it inevitably leads to heartbreak. As he puts it, “I think it’s insane to love anything because someday that’ll be gone, and this thing’s going to break my heart no matter what.”
However, rather than seeing this impermanence as a reason to avoid love altogether, Sexton sees it as a call to love more deeply and fully. He argues that the pain of loss is not a reason to avoid connection but rather a testament to the profound beauty and importance of love in our lives.
Sexton’s reflections on Pablo and the puppies he once was serve as a powerful reminder of the fleeting nature of life and love. As he notes, “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” In other words, when we are in the throes of love, we often overlook the signs that the relationship may not last forever.
However, Sexton argues that this is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, he sees the willingness to love deeply, despite the knowledge that it will eventually end, as a profound act of bravery and humanity. As he puts it, “I love that pain because it means I got to feel it.”
I find Sexton’s insights into the impermanence of love to be both moving and deeply resonant. In my practice, I have seen countless couples grapple with the pain of loss and separation, and I have come to understand that the willingness to love deeply, despite the risks, is one of the most profound expressions of our humanity.
In a world that often feels chaotic and uncertain, Sexton’s reflections on Pablo and the fleeting nature of love serve as a powerful reminder to cherish the moments we have with the ones we love. As he notes, “It’s only brave because it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to know this thing’s going to break my heart, and I’m going to let it.”
In the end, Sexton’s analogy about Pablo and the puppies he once was is a testament to the enduring power of love, even in the face of loss and heartbreak.
Cherishing the Moments: The Power of a Hug and a Note in Life’s Fleeting Embrace
Sexton touches on a theme that resonates deeply with me as a divorce lawyer: the brevity of life and the importance of cherishing the moments we have with our loved ones. Sexton’s insights serve as a powerful reminder that in the grand scheme of things, it is the small gestures of love and affection that often hold the most meaning.
Sexton shares a touching story about his mother’s passing and how he stumbled upon an old videotape featuring her voice. “I found an old videotape that I didn’t even know existed,” he recounts. “And it was my dad had like gotten a video camera and he’d like shot, you know, all these videos, and I could hear my mother’s voice. And like hearing it, I went like, ‘Oh my God, that was her voice.’ Like, I haven’t heard it in eight years, and I heard it again, and it was so familiar.”
This anecdote highlights the fleeting nature of life and the importance of savouring the moments we have with the ones we love. Sexton goes on to emphasise the significance of small gestures, such as leaving a note for your partner or giving them a heartfelt hug. “I think we should look at relationships as chapters,” he suggests. “Just because a relationship ends in something other than death, it ends in divorce, it ends in a breakup, whatever it might be, it does not mean it was not successful.”
The power of a simple hug or a heartfelt note cannot be overstated. These small gestures of affection have the ability to strengthen the bonds of love and provide comfort in times of difficulty. As Sexton puts it, “It’s so brave to love and it’s only brave because it’s scary. It’s only brave because it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to know this thing’s going to break my heart no matter what I lose, but that’s not a reason not to love.”
In a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable, Sexton’s words serve as a reminder to prioritise the people and relationships that matter most to us. By taking the time to express our love and gratitude through simple acts of kindness, we can build stronger, more resilient connections with our partners and loved ones.
Sexton’s advice and making a conscious effort to cherish the moments we have with our partners, we can cultivate relationships that are built on a foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect. Whether it is a quick hug before leaving for work or a heartfelt note left on the kitchen counter, these small acts of love have the power to strengthen our bonds and provide comfort in times of difficulty.
In the end, Sexton’s insights serve as a powerful reminder that life is short, and the time we have with our loved ones is precious. By prioritising the small gestures of love and affection that mean the most, we can build relationships that withstand the test of time and provide us with the strength and resilience we need to navigate life’s challenges. I wholeheartedly agree with Sexton’s perspective and encourage anyone in a relationship to take his words to heart.
Life After Divorce: Sexton’s Perspective on Moving Forward and Finding Love Again
In his candid discussions on the podcasts, Sexton offers a refreshingly human perspective on life after divorce. As a colleague, I deeply resonate with Sexton’s insights, which serve as a reminder that beneath our professional exterior, we are all navigating the complexities of love, loss, and the search for happiness.
Sexton acknowledges that divorce can be a tremendously painful and disorienting experience, one that can leave individuals feeling lost, alone, and unsure of how to move forward. However, he also emphasises that divorce can be an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and ultimately, a chance to find love again.
“I think we should look at relationships like chapters,” Sexton suggests. “And that book is our life. And those chapters all have significance. And none of them would, the later chapters, none of them would happen without the prior ones.”
This perspective is particularly moving coming from a divorce lawyer, as it acknowledges that even though we may be experts in the legal aspects of divorce, we are not immune to the emotional and psychological challenges that come with the end of a marriage. As Sexton notes, “There’s a 56% chance that your marriage will end in divorce, yet 86% of people agree to marry within five years. But most people have no idea what they are getting themselves into.”
Despite these daunting statistics, Sexton remains optimistic about the possibility of finding love again after divorce. He shares a personal anecdote about his own experience, saying, “My ex-wife is married for over a decade now to a phenomenal guy who is perfect for her. And he is nothing like me, by the way. If you met him and you’ve met both of us, you’d go, ‘Well, no one could love both of these guys.'”
This story serves as a powerful reminder that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to love and relationships. What may have been a good fit at one stage of life may not be the right choice forever, and that is okay. As Sexton puts it, “If we can radically view honestly, like without jealousy, without the sense of like, look at it and just go, ‘Yeah, yeah, okay. This is the love this person needed.’ That doesn’t mean my love sucks. It just means it wasn’t the right one for this person.”
As divorce lawyers, it can be easy to become jaded or cynical about love and relationships. We see the worst of human behaviour on a daily basis, and it can be tempting to view the world through a lens of pessimism and distrust. However, Sexton’s words serve as a reminder that even in the face of heartbreak and pain, there is always the possibility of finding love and happiness again.
Of course, moving forward after a divorce is rarely easy. It requires a great deal of introspection, healing, and a willingness to take risks and be vulnerable again. As Sexton notes, “Love is an economy, and I don’t, I’m not saying that in a way that devalues love. I think that love is a verb. I think that love is an emotion, and I think that love is an economy.”
This idea of love as an economy is particularly interesting, as it suggests that in order to find love again after divorce, we must be willing to invest in ourselves and in the people around us. We must be willing to put in the work required to build strong, healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
As divorce lawyers, we have a unique opportunity to help our clients navigate this process. By offering not just legal advice but also emotional support and guidance, we can help individuals move forward after divorce with a sense of hope and possibility.
Ultimately, Sexton’s perspective on life after divorce is one of resilience, growth, and the enduring power of love. As he puts it, “I really think marriage is a lovely thing, and I get teary-eyed at weddings like anybody. And not just for future business purposes. I think it’s a technology we are drawn to because the return is so great on the investment if it goes well.”
As a divorce lawyer and a human being, I could not agree more. While the path forward after divorce may be difficult, it is also an opportunity to rediscover ourselves, to heal, and to open our hearts to the possibility of love once again. By approaching this process with empathy, compassion, and a willingness to grow, we can emerge from the pain of divorce stronger, wiser, and more resilient than ever before.
Sexton’s first book, If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late – A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together, became a #1 bestseller within the first month of its release across print, electronic, and audio-book formats. It maintained the top position on Amazon.com for over 47 weeks. Following a glowing review in the New York Times Book Review in October 2018, Sexton’s candid and forthright approach to relationship advice garnered an even larger national audience.
His second book, How To Stay In Love, was described by one reviewer as offering “…practical wisdom from an unlikely source.” Released on December 31, 2019, it received immediate acclaim, achieving the #1 bestseller position on Amazon.com during its release week and holding that spot for an additional twelve weeks. Sexton’s Law Offices are located in Rockland County and Manhattan, United States.
Bertus Preller is an author and family law expert, known for his significant contributions to matrimonial law in South Africa. His first book, Everyone’s Guide to Divorce and Separation, was published by Zebra Press, an imprint of Random House Penguin, in 2013, providing comprehensive insights into divorce and separation. His literary journey continued with his 2023 release, The Unexpected Counsellor – A Divorce Lawyer’s Strategies to Navigate Love and Avoid Heartbreak, which offers strategic advice on maintaining and repairing relationships. Both works reflect his deep understanding of the legal and emotional intricacies of divorce, solidifying his reputation as a leading voice in family law.
Bertus’s expertise has been widely recognized, with Business Day naming him one of the Best Divorce Lawyers in South Africa in 2023. Currently practicing at Maurice Phillips Wisenberg in Cape Town, his career spans over three decades, during which he has navigated the complexities of family and divorce law with precision and care.
Beyond his legal practice, Bertus is a trusted authority in family law, frequently sharing his insights through various media platforms, including the Sunday Times, News24, and Business Times. He has appeared on television programs like SABC’s 3 Talk and Morning Live, and on radio stations such as 702, CapeTalk, and 5FM. His clientele includes artists, athletes, and high-profile individuals, showcasing his ability to craft bespoke legal strategies. Additionally, Bertus continues to educate and inform the public through his blogs, FamilyLaws and DivorceLaws, providing valuable knowledge on the evolving landscape of family and divorce law in South Africa.